Your midnight moment of zen.

Posted in Videos with tags on August 23, 2010 by mistervazkez

Need I say more…

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Restaurant ediquette and parental advice.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 12, 2010 by mistervazkez

Living in NYC has many advantages. Like being able to walk anywhere, the ambiance and history, and the ability able to eat any kind of cuisine you can imagine. I’d like to say first, I am not a food connoisseur in the slightest. I tend to eat more for survival than for pleasure, but there are days that I do have the money to go out and enjoy a cooked meal. Having said that I am not a super picky person that has to have a perfect ambiance or decor ,or requires perfection. I don’t go to restaurants to eat the ambiance and I can give a rats ass about the decor. I totally understand (being a server myself) there are situations that can’t controlled, so I am pretty easy-going with the staff when shit happens. But there are things that servers and patrons do, that I end up wanting to commit vehicular manslaughter just to unleash my anger after i experience it. I tried very hard to funnel this down so now you have my top 3.

Servers or Patrons with shitty attitudes.

Even Leonidas had table manners.

Seriously for both Servers and patrons. LEAVE YOUR SHITTY ATTITUDE AT THE DOOR. As a customer I have no clue what your day or life is like at this time, but when I come in to pay for a meal I know I need to tip you for, the least you can do is not hold me accountable by giving me shitty service. I don’t care if your mom isn’t going to pay your phone bill anymore, or your girlfriend is boning your best friend, or you just hate your life.  I am paying for service and I don’t want to feel like I’m eating at prison cafeteria, especially if I am being nice. And the same goes for patrons that walk in with a huge chip on their shoulder.  Realize this as a patron; your attitude will affect your service. I know some servers can put that aside and give you the best regardless even if your being a bloody axe wound. But as far as I’m concerned, you deserve shit on a plate, if you’re a total douche. I just sit thinking these people found out they got rejected from some technical institute, or maybe finding out that their abusive father got arrested for public indecency, or they lost all their life savings in a Mary Kay pyramid scheme, and all of this happens to them while they were on-line at the post office sending in a payment on their IKEA furniture. Then I wake up and hope it’s all a nightmare, except I feel that I’m at my job with no clothes on, and my job is standing in front of jet engine blasts. That’s what meeting these people is like, only infinitely worse. Everything about this situation drives me ape shit, except for the lesbians making out at the next table. Except even that turned out shitty, because it wasn’t happening. I just hate people who go out of their way to act like dick heads. Be nice or go home.

Act like you would at someone else’s house.

Please show me the shit shovel which is your mouth.

Seriously, this is one of the worst offenses at restaurants.  First off you wouldn’t walk into someones house that you barely knew plop your fat ass on the couch and act like a total mess. I truly loath people who walk into a restaurants slam food in their face while making a mess and sit there with this shitty entitlement. Honestly,  I get the shovel shit into your mouth routine. I watched Sesame Street and it looked better when the cookie monster was slamming cookies down his throat. But that was cute and it was cookies. Not a fucking Lobster roll with mayo squirting at all angles.  If you are fat and you eat like you are trying to prevent someone asking you for a bite, then eat at home. I’m sure the 20 people surrounding you will thank you for not making them puke. And if you aren’t fat and eat like a slob then it should be legal for someone to be able to smack you across the head with a hammer. Just saying…

Take your kids outside if the are throwing a tantrum.

Looking at this picture provides the best form of birth control.

I understand that your life has changed since you have had your kid. The fact that quality time with your other has taken a hit not to mention your sexy-time. But trying to kill two birds with one stone by bringing your kid to a restaurant when they are cranky isn’t a going to win you any admiration. People at the restaurant aren’t going to give you a standing ovation because you are maximizing time with your little Cranky Avalon. In fact I want to follow you to your house after the meal and beat you severely after you read Jr. their bedtime story. How many times have you walked into a restaurant and saw this and felt bad initially, only to want to release the Kraken after the parents wouldn’t take the time to take the kid out of the restaurant so that you could at least get 5 minutes of peace. I mean I am paying the same money they are, and I figure just because they cursed themselves with the Devil spawn I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Go ahead let your kid just cry. My buddy is waiting for you. Just saying...

I should say this, i do have many friends with kids so I try to put myself in your shoes and If I were in your shoes those kids would be getting Benadryl sedation. Seriously, if you loved your kids you might need to prove it by dropping a big boot in the seat of their pants once in a while. I mean why are parents too much of wussies to smack their kids around?

Even the NYC's great permanent marker artist NeckFace agrees with me.

It poses an interesting question: why are parents afraid to drop science on their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents would beat my ass. There wasn’t any discussion about it. I wasn’t sent to my room for a “time out.” As a matter of fact, I’ve never been grounded in my life. Is there a point? You send your kid to their room and let them play video games and read comics all day? Great idea, why don’t you take them to a psych while you’re at it so they can pull some disorder out of their ass to hide the fact that you’re a bad parent? Don’t ever take shit from your kids. You pay all the bills. You own them. If they don’t like it, they can get the hell out. If you really love your kids, love them enough to shoe them in the pants once in a while, so that they don’t grow up to be retards. I might have a tutorial of how to correctly beat your kids ass, but until then you are on the line to be a better parent. That’s all the advice I have for now. If any executives or management from any sort of life management company or restaurant, read this list, I hope you found it helpful. I aim to please.

Procrastination and the American Gladiators

Posted in Random with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2010 by mistervazkez

Life has been pretty amazing to me these days. When I’m not on my yacht beating my Russian mail order brides (meaning more than one), or doing tons of blow with my super cool, rich, hipster douche friends, or just plain old chilling like the Dos Equis guy, I sit in front of my computer trying to finish the 8 plays I started over a year and a half ago. But since I have lots of beer and no life, I’ll write this blog that im sure will be great time spent, as nobody will ever read this. I know what you are thinking, Where do you find the time to consistently be able to do nothing? All I can say is , It’s boring, but it’s part of my life.

Say what you want about David Lee Roth and your Mom, but I'd take a bullet for this man.

I took the time to net surf and found a diamond in the rough that would have rocked the Aladdin universe. This said diamond was the new American Gladiators on the interweb, and I have to say it is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen. The show is hosted by Hulk Hogan And Laila Ali. I kind of felt bad for the Hulkster as I knew he needed to do this gig to pay off his sons legal fees then, but Laila Ali?!?! Like she wasn’t annoying enough in dancing with the stars, but now we needed her paired up with Hogan whose face was frozen with an uncomfortable, beady eyed, intense stare that was glued on the cue cards. This is one of the most unnatural pairing of human beings I have ever seen, since “Horsemouth” Brand and Katy Perry started dating. I mean the host selection process for this show literally must have been at Stonehenge with men in robes that threw a whole bunch of names into a burlap bag and chose the first two.

The Dream Team

After an extensive mystical process, the two new Masters of Gladiatorial Ceremony are unleashed upon the world. Coincidentally Vince Vaughn was in the area for these press pics, slamming whole ice cream cones in his mouth.

I swear, the insanity that drove me nuts through out this ordeal took only 30 seconds. it was an eerie realization that everybody seemed like they had planned responses for everything. From Hulk posing to Ali yelling into mic like it wasn’t enough, the dynamic duo had me light in the knees ready to take a ten count. And that was just the opening. I think I get mad because it reminds me of G.U.T.S. and how I couldn’t get on the show. EAT SHIT MIKE O’MALLEY!!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TALENT YOU MISSED OUT ON!!!

What a handsome headshot Mr. O'Malley. You remind me of a young Yul Brynner.

The only real satisfaction that i got  was the point where the show was trying to work in the gladiator that did gay porn. Watching these event were extra awesome to people who knew about his pre gladiatorial career. At those brief couple of moments my interest peaked as the guy contestants were oblivious to this guy rubbing his sack all over them as he wrestled them to the ground. Then Hogan jumped on the screen screaming obvious statements like, “YOU SCORED FIFTY POINTS, BROTHER!!!” or “YOU WON THE GAME, BROTHER!!!” to the contestants that produced some funny silent awkward moments.

Grab your butt cheeks and scream "Geronimo!!" Yelled Militia as he bumrushed the stage.

I’m not Dumb NBC . What you have done was throw a new coat of shiny paint on a lumpy piece of shit that still stinks just as bad in the 80’s. You hurt my feelings and I seek damages. I feel like I’ve been infected with an itchy rash that you’d get on your ass, but in fact it’s in my brain.  I didn’t even bother to watch the post show as I already had enough.  Overall, this will give the nostalgic something to remember, then quickly realize why they hated it in the first place. I will say it is truly one of those shows that melt your brain while at the same time is trying to sooth you, by telling you that it’s got really yummy candy as it slowly walks you to its red van.

Don't be a pussy. This seems legit.

I will say most of shit-headed america will watch this, those with half a brain will skip this, and assholes like me will bitch about shows like this then watch 6 similar ones as guilty pleasures. I swear my mind is like the Buccaneer ride switching to and from any focus as the wind blows. And that is why I Thank God for television like this. It’s what makes me feel like I would be a billionaire in my life time if I worked for NBC as they don’t give a shit what they green-light for projects. Well, maybe with this I can go back into my writing and be able to script the next Melrose Place, only with Puerto Rican kids, and have them play in a band that isn’t Menudo. So many opportunities, LIFE!!!!!!!!