Procrastination and the American Gladiators

Life has been pretty amazing to me these days. When I’m not on my yacht beating my Russian mail order brides (meaning more than one), or doing tons of blow with my super cool, rich, hipster douche friends, or just plain old chilling like the Dos Equis guy, I sit in front of my computer trying to finish the 8 plays I started over a year and a half ago. But since I have lots of beer and no life, I’ll write this blog that im sure will be great time spent, as nobody will ever read this. I know what you are thinking, Where do you find the time to consistently be able to do nothing? All I can say is , It’s boring, but it’s part of my life.

Say what you want about David Lee Roth and your Mom, but I'd take a bullet for this man.

I took the time to net surf and found a diamond in the rough that would have rocked the Aladdin universe. This said diamond was the new American Gladiators on the interweb, and I have to say it is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen. The show is hosted by Hulk Hogan And Laila Ali. I kind of felt bad for the Hulkster as I knew he needed to do this gig to pay off his sons legal fees then, but Laila Ali?!?! Like she wasn’t annoying enough in dancing with the stars, but now we needed her paired up with Hogan whose face was frozen with an uncomfortable, beady eyed, intense stare that was glued on the cue cards. This is one of the most unnatural pairing of human beings I have ever seen, since “Horsemouth” Brand and Katy Perry started dating. I mean the host selection process for this show literally must have been at Stonehenge with men in robes that threw a whole bunch of names into a burlap bag and chose the first two.

After an extensive mystical process, the two new Masters of Gladiatorial Ceremony are unleashed upon the world. Coincidentally Vince Vaughn was in the area for these press pics, slamming whole ice cream cones in his mouth.

I swear, the insanity that drove me nuts through out this ordeal took only 30 seconds. it was an eerie realization that everybody seemed like they had planned responses for everything. From Hulk posing to Ali yelling into mic like it wasn’t enough, the dynamic duo had me light in the knees ready to take a ten count. And that was just the opening. I think I get mad because it reminds me of G.U.T.S. and how I couldn’t get on the show. EAT SHIT MIKE O’MALLEY!!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TALENT YOU MISSED OUT ON!!!

What a handsome headshot Mr. O'Malley. You remind me of a young Yul Brynner.

The only real satisfaction that i got  was the point where the show was trying to work in the gladiator that did gay porn. Watching these event were extra awesome to people who knew about his pre gladiatorial career. At those brief couple of moments my interest peaked as the guy contestants were oblivious to this guy rubbing his sack all over them as he wrestled them to the ground. Then Hogan jumped on the screen screaming obvious statements like, “YOU SCORED FIFTY POINTS, BROTHER!!!” or “YOU WON THE GAME, BROTHER!!!” to the contestants that produced some funny silent awkward moments.

Grab your butt cheeks and scream "Geronimo!!" Yelled Militia as he bumrushed the stage.

I’m not Dumb NBC . What you have done was throw a new coat of shiny paint on a lumpy piece of shit that still stinks just as bad in the 80’s. You hurt my feelings and I seek damages. I feel like I’ve been infected with an itchy rash that you’d get on your ass, but in fact it’s in my brain.  I didn’t even bother to watch the post show as I already had enough.  Overall, this will give the nostalgic something to remember, then quickly realize why they hated it in the first place. I will say it is truly one of those shows that melt your brain while at the same time is trying to sooth you, by telling you that it’s got really yummy candy as it slowly walks you to its red van.

Don't be a pussy. This seems legit.

I will say most of shit-headed america will watch this, those with half a brain will skip this, and assholes like me will bitch about shows like this then watch 6 similar ones as guilty pleasures. I swear my mind is like the Buccaneer ride switching to and from any focus as the wind blows. And that is why I Thank God for television like this. It’s what makes me feel like I would be a billionaire in my life time if I worked for NBC as they don’t give a shit what they green-light for projects. Well, maybe with this I can go back into my writing and be able to script the next Melrose Place, only with Puerto Rican kids, and have them play in a band that isn’t Menudo. So many opportunities, LIFE!!!!!!!!